Why are they ‘well behaved’ or FINE when they are at School?
We have almost all been there, when you get up in the morning, you are struggling to support dysregulation, kicking, screaming, crying, hitting-all before even making it out the door. But whenever you raise this with schools, you meet to discuss the challenges you are having at home in the mornings to support your young ones to get into school. Then the after school absolute explosion or implosion, that happens as soon as you enter the house, or car, adding that this feels as though this is life dysregulation. It adds to the weekends, the anxiety of having to return and perform all over again. The teacher replies, ‘they are fine when they are at school, you wouldn’t even be able to pick them out.’
Is it me then? Am I just looking for things that aren’t there?
You then leave the conversation feeling like, You are the failure, You must be doing something wrong, Perhaps you should discipline them the way everyone else is telling you too. Maybe it’s all in your head actually, and you are making it worse. Are you mothering them too much?
Are the Teachers Lying? Or do they think I am making it up?
Well, No.
The teachers aren’t lying, so many children and young people become so adept at masking that even you wouldn’t really see any difficulties. Now, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t having difficulties at school, just that they are keeping any challenges to themselves until they get to the person and or place that they feel comfortable enough to let it all out. Unfortunately this can sometimes be the entire day. An entire day of pretending, that you understand, that you can keep up, that you know what you are doing and where you are going, and that little comment, or bump earlier didn’t even matter- when really they were hurt, or confused. You can understand why then, when it eventually does come out, that it is big. The fallout of holding all of this, can be huge, explosive, destructive. It can be some of the hardest moments of our lives, trying to support, understand and protect.
The impact on their own self esteem can be long lived, they may behave in ways that is not who they are. It can be difficult for them to understand and believe there is something wrong with them.